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Saturday, October 16, 2010

A Preganant Pause

What is wrong with the word 'pregnant'? It rolls off your tongue with a delicious twang, it is succinct, it is pithy and most of all you know what it means! Why can't a woman say it like it is? Is it a cuss word? Will God strike her down?? Why must she stoop to euphemisms and not make the matter-of-fact declaration.

But if we must stick with euphemisms then I infinitely prefer a 'bun in the oven'..or two as the case may be. Unfortunately all that carrying and expecting is still carrying on. And to that I add 'She is in the family way' which always makes me think they missed an apostrophe and an s (after family). "I am gonna get her with a shotgun and get her out of the way," said Grandpa grimly. "Darling, wouldn't a nice bit of arsenic do the trick - so much more quieter," interjected grandma gently.

Now, one can sidestep this tricky word as best as one can until one actually ends up being…well…pregnant. The first six months is smooth sailing but once you start resembling a cross between the Good Year blimp and the Michelin Man you can no longer avoid the inevitable.

Scene I

Social gathering with a bunch of coursemates: 96% of who are always itching to know when their non-baby buddies will be saddled with a baby as badly behaved as theirs’.

X “Oooh Finally!! Some good news!!!
Me: “How on earth did you know I got an appraisal?

X(cleverly rephrasing): I mean are you ‘expecting?’

Me: “Expecting….. another appraisal, I wish!”

X you carrying?

Me (waving hands in her face): Nope, not got a thing


Benevolent me: All right, I will put you out of your misery, I am pregnant.

A sudden hush descends upon the room, the men look steadily at the cracks in the wall, the women squirm in acute embarrassment

Wellwisher (coughing delicately): Um…er.. Congratulations.

Strange, we can barely coin a term for what will eventually evolve into a baby but the moment aforesaid baby pops out the proud parent just cannot stop gushing about it!

Scene II

Show off Mumma: “Do you know what A is reading?”

Me: “No”

Proud Mumma: “Homer’s Illiad! Isn’t my kitchy kootchy gooey goo smart?”
Me: “Um he is 9 months old”

Proud Mumma (not missing a beat): “Oh he signs it – you know baby sign language.”

Me :”Right..and he can also translate Herbrew to Greek.”

Proud Mumma): Really, whose child is that… Mrs Sharma's i bet - that little ^%&$$%. Well, if she can, MY kitchy koo can do it better…

And the war of the mummies begins and you wish little kitchy koo was back in mummy’s tummy, back when mummy was too embarrassed to talk about him.


Anil P said...

'Carrying' - as in vegetables?

If not for euphemisms, there'd be fewer opportunities for a wink and a smile.

But still, the point you make is valid.

Mayank Chaddha said...

"Strange, we can barely coin a term for what will eventually evolve into a baby"

u know wat - its lack of education that has caused this..the issue might look trivial but...

if there is a dearth of something in this nation people want it more..

People create a hue and cry if in the 90's Mamta Kulkari showed her bare all the celbs are kissing in public...

U hear of rape cases cause the fairer sex is not available...make prosititution legal...i bet rape cases in the country will fall..

Delhi vs Mumbai - Delhi is filled wid low lifes..they look at each girl that passes by or each couple...

Mumbai guys dont care a shit at each girl dat passes by...ya they pay heed to some...i mean they need tp prove they are men..this leverage can be granted...

hence we see ads that spell out the so called hush words aloud.."Condom" "Condom"

Educate people things will fall in place:)

Mellowdrama said...

@Anil - actually the sentence that i deleted was carrying what - a lotta to the nearest field but I desisted..hahah! wink and a smile is all very fine for innuendos but it if is business, stick with the easy words is my motto!

@Mayank - DUDE!

Maddy said...

I am quite sure we never claimed our daughter read the Illiad when 9 months old. She was still reading Enid Blytons. But really, I think its some kind of a biological/ hormonal reaction. In spite of knowing how ridiculous you are being and remembering and hating all the people whom you have seen doing the same, you just cant control yourself..... Probably some kind of evolutionary impulse to give your progeny a head start... worth some research.

Gayetri said...

Chanced upon your blog, liked it - thou art funny. Keep writing! :)

Mellowdrama said...

@Gayetri - thanks a tonne! Want to

almost blogger said...

It's the same with the word ' died '.
As if, saying expired or passed away would rest the soul in peace!
And we men haven't still made peace with the expression: we are pregnant anymore than we have with slut walks, and the Ashton Kutchers of this world.

Mellowdrama said...

@Almost Blogger: Haha I used to love expired, honest like the poor sod who 'kicked the bucket' was a can of tomato puree;) Slut Walk, I like the term someone else coined Slutty Savitris